Comedy

5 Mini-Mario Theories

Welcome back to the theoretical corner of the newspaper, THE CONSPIRACY CORNER. Today I will tell you ten mini-theories about your favorite guy with a red hat… MARIO!

All the games are Princess Peach’s propaganda

What if all Princess Peach is trying to do is cause propaganda by making it seem as if Bowser is the villain, but in reality, Peach is the evil dictator. Peach also never increases the security in the mushroom kingdom. The games have never been from Bowser’s point of view but instead Mario’s. What if Peach is tricking Mario into her getting “kidnapped.” (more…)

THE BEST JOKE EVER 10/10

Once upon a time, there was a mini wheat. Yes, like the cereal. Just a normal, old mini wheat. One day he was out for a walk and he saw a frosted mini wheat. He had rarely seen one before so he thought, “How can i become that great?” So he asked, to which the frosted mini wheat replied, “I fasted for a day.” He thought, “Oh, okay, I can do that.” So he did, and he became a frosted mini wheat. (more…)

Timmy Turner, Danny Phantom: SAME PERSON???

Welcome back to the theoretical part of TNT. How cool would it be if Timmy Turner grew up and became Danny Phantom? SUPER COOL!!! They both do look very much alike from the hairstyle, thick eyebrows, and blue eyes. Even both of their parents look and act similar. Do these Nickelodeon shows have a secret connection between Timmy Turner and Danny Phantom? Well, I will answer that question today. (more…)

The Science Behind Santa Claus

Merry Christmas everyone! Today I will be explaining Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, or Father Christmas. Let’s get started!!!

There is approximate 2 billion children under the age of 18 in the world. Religion narrows down 15% because the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist don’t celebrate Christmas. So that’s 378 million children. To confirm this, after watching The Santa Clause, on one line says Santa delivers to millions of children. According to the census, the average children per home is 3.5, so that’s 91.8 million houses. (more…)

Organized Madness #4

To preface this, I will say that having topics prepared is a wonderful blessing that you should never take for granted.

I assume that anyone here reading this was looking for it specifically and has lamented its absence in recent times, though what strange tastes one would have to have to seek out this kind of insanity that I spew forth from my maw atop this digital soapbox of mine I haven’t the foggiest, seeing as how I, the creator of this contemptible amalgamation of words that vaguely make sense when put together and at the same time end up frighteningly close to pure madness that is being referred to as an “article,” to the insult of the word article, and even the idea of an article, hold this manuscript of insanity in the highest orders of contempt, and always regard it with complete disdain for its sporadic and unpredictable, yet wholly predictable, oxymoronic and occasionally outright hypocritical assemblage of words and phrases that it molds around “news stories” and injects with purified filler. (more…)

Theories and Tales: Mystery or Science? #3

*Disclaimer: Due to amount of super scariness and sarcasm reader may experience various side effects

Voting booths, elections, debates‒all entail a quadrennial ritual of American culture. The government has been subject of many conspiracy theories. The secretive nature of politicians and their habit to lie every other sentence give way to many ideas and theories of strange happenings within the “belly of the beast” (aka our government). Many people have theorized that the government has and is being run by lizards or lizard people. Whether this is true is not, is yet to be disclosed.   (more…)

Theories and Tales: Mystery or Science? #2

*Disclaimer: Due to amount of super scariness and sarcasm readers may experience various side effects

Semi-lit roads with dead and crackling leaves underfoot. The noises of overjoyed children cut through the otherwise still night. Porch Lights attract bugs, and more pests (i. e. Small children). This can only mean: Halloween. Small children dressed as other-worldly beings and stereotypical princess’ and Batman run from house to house to beg for candy from strangers, though this goes against everything our parents told us (unless it’s from strangers in white vans, which is perfectly acceptable). How “TRICK OR TREAT!” became the traditional fall mantra, is a tale for another day. My tale for this week is: Mothman. (more…)

The Science Behind the Ouija Board

As many of you know, the spookiest board game is the Ouija board. Well, in my opinion the scariest board game is Jumanji but that’s in a whole different universe so yeah. That’s a theory for another issue. Anyways, if you don’t know what the Ouija Board is, it is a board with the alphabet, 0-9, yes, no, goodbye, and sometimes hello. (more…)

Organized Madness #3

Written: 10-12/16

To preface this, I shall say that the time is nearly upon us. I can see that you’re reading this again (I actually can’t, but the-lord-that-should-not-be can). And as such, I have concluded that you are here to read another piece of contemptible reporting and borderline cultist propaganda. So I stand here on my digital soapbox to regale you with the tales and adventures of our school. And so, I issue you a welcome to the zanier side of the newspaper. Where the sarcasm flows like rivers. (more…)

Theories and Tales: Mystery or Science? #1

*Disclaimer: Due to amount of super scariness and sarcasm readers may experience varying side effects

Welcome to this newfound column. In it I will attempt to explain strange conspiracy theories, and even some popular ghost tales. Suggestions are also welcome (so long as they are REASONABLE). If you want an explained story or theory, leave them in the comments. Enjoy, and at read at your own risk! (more…)

Organized Madness #2

Written: 9-29/16

To preface this, I will say it once again (as I did at some point in the last 12 lunar cycles) that I do not have a strange, unnatural inclination towards, nor fixation/obsession with, parentheses. I see you’re here again, reading this. Or maybe you’re new and don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Both of which are good. In either case, welcome. Welcome to the zanier side of the newspaper, where the sarcasm flows like rivers. (more…)