To preface this, I will say it once again (as I did at some point in the last 12 lunar cycles) that I do not have a strange, unnatural inclination towards, nor fixation/obsession with, parentheses. I see you’re here again, reading this. Or maybe you’re new and don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Both of which are good. In either case, welcome. Welcome to the zanier side of the newspaper, where the sarcasm flows like rivers.
I stand here on this digital soapbox to regale you with news. Tales of the events happening here at this school you (or maybe you don’t) attend. So to start off here on my little tirade of sarcasm, veiled (or possibly unveiled) ridicule and possibly unhealthy cynicism I wish to inform you that the upper floors of this building that we seem to be having trouble staying in (about which I will comment later) are, in fact, gremlin territory for the most part. As such, any of you pseudo-adults (or possibly even the adults) would be well advised to tread with caution, and should use the scuttling of the nearby gremlins to mask their footsteps.
And now, onto the issue at hand; we have become nomads. A herd of students wandering from building to building, causing mischief to the ire of teachers and other school staff alike. We are now condemned to a fate of endless wandering, wishing to return to our ancestral (because we’re a NEAAAT family, clearly) homeland (which isn’t even our real ancestral homeland, as we already left that one). Will we ever? Maybe. Only the passage of time shall reveal to us this information.
In a new part of an old topic I once spoke of (this installment I have named “Help The Nerds 3: Electric Boogaloo), the Nerds need help again. Or, maybe they don’t. I don’t really know. There’s a Quiz Bowl team this year too, where a select group of Nerds and “Bookies” (as I am calling them, referring to the people that actually read literature) compete with each other, against other Nerds and Bookies to become “Top Gun” or “Top Nerd” (whichever one it is, I never received clarification on that. I would definitely pick the first one, but the second makes more sense). If that was your thing, I guess you’d have already signed up for it. If you haven’t, well I’d say you missed your chance.
In more important news that the gremlins that may possibly be reading this won’t understand (how could they, those fiends?), pseudo-adult favorite Alex Rook appeared magically on this day of writhi―I mean, writing (the twenty-ninth of September), and all was good. People spoke to him, some people got responses, many people were elated and all involved (except for the gremlins) had memories of the past invoked (whether those thoughts are bitter, positive, thankful, wistful or any combination of the four). All in all, it was a good time. But then the building troubles came.
The building the pseudo-adults took refuge in today (whilst the gremlins stayed at home to do their schooling) was fine in and of itself, but the wifi took a hit with all 120+ pseudo-adults attempting to use it. Two more were set up, but for some people it made no difference. I mourn the wandering souls of the “Netless” and hope that they find themselves in the comforting and cradling arms of Cthulhu, blessed be thine name.
A small PSA here that will worry some of you: Next week marks the end of the Nine Weeks, which is a recorded omen of report cards and disappointment. Be prepared, and ready yourselves for the coming battle.
Finally, we move on to the last part of this tirade, and the next installment in another saga, this one more recent; “Election Two: Election Harder”. The candidates for the various positions (vice president, president, treasurer and secretary) gave their speeches in a room full of pseudo-adults and gremlins that wanted nothing more than to eat their food in peace. They got to hear a number of different students shout at them with what were (even though the candidates probably didn’t intend them to be) empty promises and half-truths. There was also a healthy bit of self-deprecation and even a small bit of memery.
With all of these things that you lot of people that actually take the time to read these (sic) contemptible blurbs of news that I drop upon you, I now finally get to place and ending on this article. And with that it is time for this terribly wonderful piece of organized madness that hath bled unto this paper (you’re reading it digitally and I wrote it digitally so it’s actually a screen) to end.