Sarcastic Advice: Animals

Sarcastic advice

Do you have any other penguin or puffin friends?

Penguin: No… We are the last ones remaining…

Puffin:  “I am so lonely…….I am so lonely….I have nobody…..”


Penguin: Putting absolutely horrendous grammar aside, you give it pats and make it fat.

Puffin: Lots of claretian….


I just got a new dog, how do I teach him to take over the world?

Penguin: What makes you think he doesn’t already know? (Insert dramatic noise)

Puffin: You should have me teach him because soon I will take over this entire column,t hen we can booth work to take over the world. Today newspaper, tomorrow the world.


Why are penguins so pitiful compared to otters?

Penguin: *Sniff* I don’t know, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN!?!?!?

Puffin: HA! Someone finally agrees with me!Penguins are pitiful!


Why are cheetah’s bad at life?

Penguin: Because all they do is… CHEAT. HAHAHA. I’m sorry….

Puffin: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU’VE MADE THE PENGUIN LAUGH! The world is ending as we know it!


Normally i ask you stuff, but youve been particularly unhelpful so no advice needed thank you very much

Penguin: You don’t tell me what to do. Don’t eat the yellow snow.

Puffin: Just doing my job.


How should i go about asking my crush who also happens to be a penguin to the formal? im nervous

Penguin: Learn to capitalize your “I”’s.

Puffin: Learn to speak penguin.


Its becoming harder and harder to take care of my pet enchillada… how do I go on?

Penguin: How is food a pet?

Puffin: You shouldn’t play with your food. It’s bad manners.


“two of my male beta fish keep fighting and im always stuck in the middle! Im afraid they will hurt each other and idk what to do!”

Penguin: Put them in a fish arena and have them box. Then, plot twist, the winner is the one who gets sacrificed. Either that or put them in separate tanks, but which one is more interesting?



ummmm sometimes I have conflicts with my animal friends and i was wondering how does the sarcastic penguin and puffin resolve conflict when they are fighting? thanks

Penguin: What???? We don’t fight at all!



Puffin:  Yes we do! you useless bird!

Penguin:  *GASP*


Could Australia win wars with genetically engineered Kangaroos?

Penguin: Does Australia have any other way to fight wars?

Puffin: They should get an army of Puffins imported to Australia instead. I mean we can fly.


thank you for answering my plea for help last week! very helpful, i am a new and betetr person than I was last week because of your advice column <3

Penguin: First off, are you sure you read this advice column? Second, it seems you need a bit more help there. Please review your grammar. Please…

Puffin: Better person? Well I’m not doing my job right.


How can I get better at club penguin?

Penguin: You don’t have a lot of time there bud.

Puffin: Why is there not a club puffin? It would be so much more entertaining.




Penguin: … They were adopted …

Puffin: I was also adopted…..


I don’t think I have any talent but I want to participate in the talent show.

Penguin: Just go in the room and sit in a chair until they kick you off.

Puffin:  Walk up with a mic.Then just drop it for no reason.


Sarcastic Penguin and Puffin ship?

Penguin: Oh no. Okay so I saw this coming eventually. You see. It just won’t work out. I know that it seems like it would make sense, but just because I can’t fly doesn’t mean I have to go on a boat! It would be to expensive. And naming it after us is just too egotistical for me…..

Puffin: First of all, why a ship? It should be a plane so the useless bird can finally see how it feels to fly. Second, We would hit an Iceberg, and sink, because I mean ANTARCTICA! HELLO! THOSE THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE!


what kind of advice do you expect for a animal themed issue?

Penguin: Please see above for answer.

Puffin: Please reread this entire column.

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