Sarcastic Advice: V-Day Edition

Sarcastic Advice

From the broken hearted Penguin and Puffin

Do you need a boyfriend to be happy on Valentine’s day???

No! All you need is a gallon tub of ice cream and a nice TV show.

What do I do when I got someone something for valentines day and they don’t like it?

Dump them. Even if you aren’t dating, dump them. You’re too good for them.

I need romantic quotes for my girlfriend to read on a card I’m giving her. Ideas?

I can not answer this because you wrote it horribly wrong. “Quote” is a verb, for example, one may say, “and I quote.”  “Quotation” is the word you are looking for because it is a noun meaning a repeated line of text or speech from another source.  Please use the correct word when needing advice.

If everyone knows that valintines day is “forever alone” day. Then why do people look forword to it?

People don’t, companies do. Companies like Hallmark and candy companies spend very little money to make cheesy cards and heart shaped or themed candy that people spend an inflated price on just to have a physical representation of their affection towards someone. So to answer your question: You spelled “Valentine’s” and “Forward” wrong.

Will you be my Valentine, If I get you Candy and Chocolate and stuffed animals.

Yes! The chocolate has to be milk chocolate, milk chocolate is too rich, and has to be a stuffed animal the size of me. Also, I won’t get you anything. But yeah! Totaly!

How do I know if a girl likes me?

You don’t.



How many tissue boxes do you use to cry yourself to sleep at night?

Between 3-5, 2 on a lucky day.

Will you be my valentine?

I am so flattered! No.

if your answer to the last question was no, why not? IS IT SOMETHING ABOUT ME?

Yes, it is. Your inability to use proper grammar. (“If” should be capitalized…)

does the sarcastic penguin have anyone *special* in their life? im asking for a friend

Yeah, my mother! She made cookies!


I am a penguin.

Do you love me?


Cause I love you. <3

No, you don’t.

Movie suggestions to watch alone on Valentine’s Day?

Cast Away

How important is Valentine’s Day?

This should answer your question

what flavor bleach is best bleach

Pumpkin Spice

How do I trick someone into giving me all of their Valentine’s Candy?

Take it from them.

How does one not be a lonely person?

Don’t be yourself.

What is your true Idenity?

I would be able to tell you if I knew what an “idenity” is. Is that like code for something?

I want to be a unicorn. Besides trying to imagine it. how do I become a unicorn.

Go to the mystical mountains of Glitter Mania, and track down the great princess of rainbows. She will tell you.

Why can’t penguins fly?

Because they are so full of awesomeness that it weighs them down. Also their wings are made for swimming not flying, but stick with that first answer.

How do I tell someone that I don’t want to go to a Valentine’s dance without hurting them?

You say “That I don’t want to go to a Valentine’s dance without hurting them?”

Why a penguin?

Puffin:    Why do you care about that penguin so much? What did he do worth recognition? He is so fat he can’t

even fly. What kind of bird can’t fly? At least I can fly. HEY LOOK AT ME PENGUIN I AM FLYING!!!! Maybe

I could give you lessons sometime.

Penguin: I don’t need lessons! Swimming is much better than flying! And at least I dont have a weird looking  beak! You’re just a rip off of the classic: Me! Why a penguin? Simply because they are much better!

will you marry me?

Oh my gosh! I thought you would never ask! My answer is……….. no. You didn’t capitalize  “will.” The first letter of any sentence is capitalized! Seriously people, it is not difficult to have proper grammar for the english language!

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