Survival: Black Friday

*Disclaimer: I am the farthest thing from an expert possible, so please in no way take my advice seriously

What is the first thing you think of when the name “Black Friday” pops up in a conversation? I think of crazy middle-aged women that looked like they were just electrocuted, running around and tackling people in the middle of the aisle. The death counts from this annual “holiday” is disturbingly high for shopping with people being assaulted, stabbed, and even hit by cars. Now if you want to survive the most violent holiday of the year, then read these tips chock full of sarcasm and unrealism.


    1. Kevlar
    2. Chain mail
    3. Heavy duty helmet with eye shield
    4. Gas mask
    5. Steel-toed Boots
    6. Shin guards
    7. Forearm guards
    8. Taser
    9. Bear Spray


  • FIRST AID KIT (with band-aids of choice, I personally prefer Curious George)


  1. Blowtorch (optional)
  2. Pool Noodle

Armor: The first step to conquering a battle is armor. You must have the appropriate protection for your surroundings to defeat your enemies (a.k.a angry cane-wielding grannies). To have optimum protection from the “elements” you have to evenly distribute the protection (and weight) of the armor. If you have too much weight on one side you will topple over into a Christmas present display, get trapped in a cardboard box, and MISS THE SALE.

Strategy: How do you win a battle without a strategy? YOU DON’T!! These few scenarios are the typical Black Friday settings.

     Waiting then entering: If you’re that early bird that annoys everyone because of your efficiency then you’ll probably be waiting in line     for the store to open. What you do is you go full battle armor then stay at the center of the line. That’s where the main flow will go once the Hoover Dam breaks and the doors open. Then you run around like a crazy person and get to where you need to go.

      Outskirts: If you’re one of those people that just want one thing and want to leave the store with most limbs intact then you stay on the outskirts of the store. You stay pressed against that wall (as most of the violence is in the center) and when you see your item on the golden pedestal then your elbow/knee/hit with pool noodle TO VICTORY!!!

Exiting to Checkout: Now that you have successfully retrieved your item ON TO CHECKOUT! Now assuming you are in the middle of the store you must fight against the flow of the crazed shoppers to get to the frazzled looking cashier. Here’s the tricky part, you must now jump onto a shelf, vault off a support pole and cart jump to sweet freedom. Then crowd surf to the front of the line and check out.

I hope that gave you some oh so unrealistic tips to surviving Black Friday. Have fun grab the kevlar and get out there!

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